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mouse and weens

part comedy, part life. A podcast.

Episode 37 – Roommates

Mouse starts off with an announcement that she loves her husband! In the last episode she talked all about her crushes and past boys, and felt a little bit disloyal when she listened back. He is “her guy” and she loves him dearly, for the record! Mouse is coming out of her crush on Chris Martin from Coldplay and is blaming it on her hormones – maybe the monthly ones, maybe the older lady cougar ones! Urethra, uterus, and egg talk commences and Weens confirms that she is taking a celibate break. She says sometimes you don’t want a dink in the twink and that sex is just like holding a water weenie that keeps slipping through your hand! Mouse says that married sex is good lately and that it’s surging up again now that she’s an older lady, much like Bea Arthur from Maude splayed out on a couch wearing orthotic shoes and a long sweater!

Recently Joelle was thinking about what it would be like to have roommates again and to have to live with somebody other than her family. Mouse had some good roommates and some bad, and realized quickly that she was happier living alone. Weens agrees that she’s much better living alone too.

Weens was seventeen when she first moved out of the house, which was very young. Mouse was off to college so doesn’t remember the exact timeline of what she went through. Weens reminded her that it was when their mom and dad were separating and that it was a weird time. Their mom left and moved in with a friend, and it didn’t make sense for Weens to go with her or to stay in the big empty house with their dad. Their parents briefly got back together but it didn’t work out, so they divorced, sold the house, and they each found their own places to live. Dad moved into a small apartment and got a roommate, who Weens describes as Jim from dad’s men’s group, an old bald guy. Mouse thinks Weens said “old balls guy”, so they offshoot into a testicular conversation!

So Weens moved in with a friend named Shawn in Piedmont, an area in the northern California bay area by Berkeley. She and her friends nicknamed him “mice in the night” because the times they fell asleep in the vicinity of each other during slumber party situations, she would feel creeping hands in the middle of the night! Guys are gross. The apartment was really nice and clean in a quiet hippie building on a canyon, so they promptly threw a huge party crashed by a lot of their punk, skater friends! Of course, they were evicted about a month later. She is so embarrassed thinking back to it now, but at the time explains it as young, dumb and spontaneous, and not considering consequences.

Mouse went to a junior college the first two years of college while living at home, so didn’t move in with a roommate until she was a junior at the University of California San Diego (UCSD). She moved in with friends off-campus in a suburban house and would throw little parties too, but had one sorority girl roommate who did not fit in. This girl was quite conservative, had a conservative fraternity boyfriend, and had very different ideals than Mouse and her other roommates. They lived together for about two years and then everything came to a head during a big argument. It started as a fight over who was going to stay and pay the carpet cleaning company while they were moving out. The sorority girl arranged it, but at the last minute tried to shirk the responsibility. This pushed Mouse over the edge and she let loose, fighting with her for about an hour listing out all the things that had bothered her over the years.

Mouse recalled how uncomfortable she was arguing at the time, but Weens reminded her of their own sisterly fight when Mouse punched Weens in the nose. Weens also called out Mouse on many other passive-aggressive fights, which Mouse had to admit were true. One incident was during a Las Vegas trip for Mouse’s 30th birthday along with a bunch of friends and a guy she was dating, a mutual friend of Weens’. It wasn’t working out with the date, so Mouse broke up with him in the middle of the Vegas trip. Instead of just insisting that the chemistry wasn’t there, Mouse instead listed out the exact reasons. The guy later told Weens the detailed list and said he was very hurt. Mouse felt terrible for this.

Weens then tells the story of Mouse confronting their coworker in a corporate cubicle. This coworker used to make a phlegm-gathering, back-of-the-throat noise all day long, and spit her phlegm “loogies” into her garbage can. Mouse would wear earplugs, listen to music, and try to block it out day after day. But one time she broke and marched into the cubicle, telling the woman to please stop making that horrible noise and that it was a disgusting habit. Weens cringed nearby and probably comforted the woman afterwards. Mouse feels horrible again.

Their mom has some passive-aggressive tendencies too. Weens recalls talking with their mom about cursing, and their mom explained to her, also there with her friend Blake, that when she was frustrated with their dad, she would go upstairs, put her face in a pillow, and scream, “You f_cking g—damn, c-cksucking f_cker, piece of sh_t, mother f-cking,…%*&@#$%..!!!” and that it would make her feel so much better! Blake and Weens couldn’t believe what they were hearing from sweet mom!

Mouse remembers hearing mom and dad swear at each other during fights and that there were a lot of F-words flying around equally. Mouse thinks that their parents were fighting a lot because their dad went through a huge transition when he got into the 80’s self-help movement when he was finding himself and his “inner child”. She guesses that it was such a drastic change that their mom wasn’t able to adapt. He became too self-indulgent and stopped putting as much effort into the family, so all the responsibility fell onto their mom’s shoulders. The resentment that must have built up, and the inability to adapt to this huge life change or find a middle ground, is what Mouse surmises led up to their break up. This may have also been during the time that their dad took a year off work to make a movie, leaving their mom with all the family duties. Weens also brings up that they got married at 21 so of course they will change. And they stayed together probably for the sake of us, the kids, until we were about out of the nest.

Weens doesn’t remember exact details but lived there during the divorce, so she feels like she absorbed enough of it to lose her trust in relationships. She was younger too and still forming her thoughts and feelings about relationships, so there must have been a more profound effect. Mouse was leaving the house and already an adult when their parents were at the height of the breakup, so remembers feeling relief as a sophomore in college when they finally announced their divorce. She felt happy for them that they could now go out and find partners that were better matched. They wonder if it is an excuse to blame things on their parents’ split, or if it’s a good thing to recognize the effect it had on how they act today. Mouse also points out how their individual brain chemistry and personalities dealt with it differently; she is more black and white, and Weens is more emotional and thoughtful, as evidenced by Mouse’s passive-aggressiveness!

Mouse recalls another guy she lashed out at in a breakup. She tried to end things, but when pressed by the guy with the “Why? Why? Why?”, she cracked and started listing his faults, the main deal-breaker being that he and his ex-girlfriend had matching nose-jobs! He was not Snowflake Sweater guy, but reminded Mouse of Adam Driver. They discuss metrosexual guys and agree that there is something gross about guys who have longer beauty routines than girls – face creams, tanning, etc. Weens needs burly woodchopper-types, facial hair included! She has also determined that dirty guys with messy cars usually have messy brains too. Broom the car mats and put tingly Gold Balm on your long balls, men!

Speaking of Landaus, Tom Snyder loose skin long balls, tight and whites, and round and browns, Mouse and Weens reflect on how when touched, testicles move like sea urchins. This reminds Mouse of her possum nuts story. When she and her husband lived together before they were married, one night a possum was stuck and hissing in a small tree outside of their house. Animal control told them to push it into a large garbage can and release it in the canyon. They gathered their broomstick and trash can and Dave began poking at the possum from one side, while Mouse guided him from the other side. Unfortunately, his aim was off and because he couldn’t see where he was poking, he repeatedly jousted him in the testicles. Mouse saw the wrinkly prunes keep sucking upward with each poke, and was laughing so hard that she couldn’t talk to tell Dave to aim higher! This poor possum was finally caught and released with what they were sure was an awful ball-ache!

This story segues nicely into our podcast friends’ promo, The Varmints! Podcast. Please listen, subscribe, and visit them at BlazingCaribouStudios.com

Weens gets back into roommate horror stories during her move to New York. Her first rented room for $200 was at a women’s hotel which she shared with heroin-addicted lesbians. One girl must have had schizophrenia because she would throw plates at the wall yelling “Pig! Pig! Oink! Oink! Oink!” and then would casually walk her dog the next morning.

Then Weens moved into a $300 per month apartment rented by a Droopy Hungarian housing foreign exchange students behind curtains. (Insert horrible Droopy Dog cartoon impressions here.) Weens remembers having to wear shoes even into the shower because the floors were so dirty, and each time she would turn on a bathroom light, what she thought were mice would scatter. They turned out to be huge cockroaches or water beetles. This Droop stole her security deposit for the phone which she never used, and she later confronted him on the street years afterward on this fact. She said he looked ashamed.

Weens moved to Jersey City into a building that had just been renovated, and shared an apartment with fellow students from her acting school. She lived in the living room for less rent, now that she learned the curtain trick! One of the roommates was a guy who developed a crush on the other rich girl roommate. He would get jealous and listen to her phone calls, especially after she started dating a rich guy who filled their apartment with roses. He stole her cashmere sweaters and Weens doesn’t know if he was wearing them or sniffing them, but he would hide them and stash them all under his sink. He ended up intercepting the girl’s credit card in the mail and buying items at The Guitar Center. He would then try to impress her with the stolen guitar. Weens remembers sitting behind her curtain in the living room and hear him watching TV, quickly turn off the TV when the girl would unlock the front door, then flip on his guitar and amp and start wailing on it. When she would walk in the door, he would casually say, “Oh. Hi. I was just playing…” He finally got caught because they traced all of the purchases and he had to pay her back and everyone moved out.

Speaking of crushes, Weens got a new poem from Flamenco! She’s pretty sure he hasn’t heard about this, but knows other friends listen to the podcast, including her friend Brian K. Lee. She worked with Brian and he notices all of Weens’ quirky little things she says and does. For example, he watched the credits of Girl Boss that they worked on together, and when he saw “Julianne ‘Weens’ Eggold”, an inside joke for Joelle, he dug in and asked Weens all about it. So then he started calling her Weens at work. He also loves stories about their stepdad, Cowboy D. Speaking of which, they are going to try to interview Denny for his stories while in Idaho during the Christmas break. Weens’ other good friend Chris Osmundson is a listener. He works at Jackknife Records & Tapes in Atwater Village. Mouse met him during their weekend visit with mom and he is so nice! It’s very fun knowing friends are listening, including Mouse’s friends from her Mom’s Night Outs and Bunco nights. Hello friends!

Please help spread the word and tell your friends. Thank you so much for your support! Also, feel free to contact Mouse and Weens on their website form where you can write anonymously: www.mouseandweens.com/contact Song credit “World, I’m Jack” written by Julianne Eggold and performed by Bobby Garafolo.

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