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mouse and weens

part comedy, part life. A podcast.

Episode 23 - Mouse Does CoolSculpting, Yanni Visits Weens

Good morning! This is the earliest we've recorded an episode. It's 7:30am because Weens started on a new show The Rookie on ABC, a job hooked up by friend and mentor Greg Beaman. She is in the locations department with George Shockley and friends, and scouts for places to shoot based on the concept "It is beautiful LA where bad things happen". A lot of cop shows in seedy parts of town so this is nice and a little different. It narrows the choices down and Weens is happy not to be stuck in back alleys. Locations are Santa Monica, the beach, spots with colorful murals, and areas with cute drug houses!

For Mouse, it was the first week of summer with the kids and the whole family went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It was a resort in the area called Nuevo Vallarta resort and they saw crocodiles, toads, iguanas, mosquitos. Luckily they missed the storm weather, and Weens recalls seeing the stormy sky while video chatting with Mouse using WhatsApp, an app that lets you call using wifi while you’re abroad so you don’t get charged roaming charges.

Comedy tangent: does the word 'abroad' work against feminism? Abroad, a broad - get it? This is comedy before 7:30am folks. Get all your yawns out. Get your Yanni out. Yanni is in her bed right now. He is tiptoeing out while we were doing this. He is on the pillow next to her with a squished mustache. Weens longs for a man with a long, soft, flowing mustache like Yosemite Sam or the Tom & Jerry 'Crambone'. You would need to poke a little sing hole in the mustache to sing a song. Would the mustache be like a comb with tissue paper over it, like a kazoo? Or would it be like a vocal carwash, scrubbing back and forth. Let’s have a mustache carwash competition because Weens’ car is really dirty. Anyone with a mustache, come over in a wife beater t-shirt and take a section of the car with your hands tied behind your back. Add some suds and water and start from top to bottom. Who can clean the fastest? Or a would it be a smaller carwash using Hot Wheels? Attach a track to your tongue, start the car in your mouth, send them through the mustache, and the panel of judges would see which one is the cleanest.

Back to Mexico recap. Mouse describes the attack iguanas at the pool would jump up on the lounge chairs to get our food. They had ticks hanging off of them – not black ones, large white dime-sized ticks. Weens hates ticks on a stick, or any stick with a lot of bulbous bodies filled with blood. Is it the symmetry or the bubble wrap look? Anything black and shiny, like the branch limb on her tree. Maybe it represents a disease and is part of the reptilian brain. Especially if it’s shiny or has spider eyes, it makes her feel weak in the knees. Does anything make you queasy? Mouse hates Carnation ice cream cups with wooden spoons. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. When you take a bite of ice cream and pull the spoon out between your taut lips, the feeling of the wood on your lips – she hates that. She won’t buy them for her family even though she’s depriving her kids of it, especially the strawberry swirl kind. They can wait until college or until rollerskating parties, like the ones we used to go to at The Golden Skate in the 70’s and 80’s. That’s where Mouse learned to stick her hand in back pockets of boys when they skated by in their white jeans, backwards, if they could Rex or Shoot the Duck, and if they glowed in the black light. Everyone skated around looking like Andy Gibb with their mustaches flowing. They didn’t have mustaches. They were all ten year old twinks! They were hairless rats floating around, all little budding mechanics. Like Steve Perry who sings Oh Sherry. When you watch that show Hot, Wet, American Summer or Dazed and Confused, that was a certain era the really had a look that you could type out. Mouse loved William Billy Zabka in Karate Kid and stood in line next to him for the Matterhorn at Disneyland when she was about 12. She had feelings she had never felt before, and wondered if he would sit with her in the rollercoaster car and put his arms around her while he sat behind her. But he didn’t. He went in another car and was gone. It’s another celebrity story that goes nowhere, like George Wendt went. Weens fantasizes about George Wendt on roller skates. Mouse’s crushes were Kirk Cameron and Ralph Macchio, and put pictures in her closet. Weens crush was Bruce Willis, who is back in the news with his own roast on Comedy Central. Mouse went to a medical spa to get CoolSculpting done and is putting it out there. At first felt like keeping this a secret and keeping it under wraps because it was like cheating, any type of plastic surgery or body enhancement. It felt like she bucked the system and didn’t do her proper time working out, proper eating, or proper starvation diet. Shouldn’t everyone be happy with the body that God gave them? She feels like a cheater, but she had three children. Stop thinking about yourself and stop looking in the mirror and just be! These are the voices in our head, but our secret voice says “I just want to look good and feel better”. Ever since Mouse was a teenager, she has had a belly roll when she did a sit up. She has always had an extra pooch even when she was a skinny twig in high school, playing basketball and looking like a wavy car lot balloon guy in Dove shorts with flying arms and stick legs, knobby knees. They discuss a model body in a Summer’s Eve commercial running through the field, versus a meat brick, slab of sausage, running behind. They compare themselves to Bert and Ernie, with round versus thinner. Cool Sculpting is finding the fat pad trouble spot that won’t go away. Mouse has been working out almost every day at Orange Theory and burning 550 calories in the gym, but it’s just not going away. So you go to a medical spa. It’s expensive but they finance it over time, so it works out to be something you can handle per month. It takes 30 minutes per area, and they use an oblong vacuum attachment and hose. They mark you up with Sharpies outlining your fat areas. It feels like a cold vacuuming feeling, and Weens thinks it sounds like she would want to punch someone. Mouse punched the technician Jasmine, who she sort of doesn’t trust because she speaks with vocal fry like a Kardashian. Yes, it is a vocal affectation. Then they do a hands-on massage with an Illinois accent, and use a double-gloved hand and knead your belly like a pile of frozen dough. Day Three it feels numb and sore as if she did a lot of sit ups and has a sunburn. The fat cells are frozen and then over time the broken up adipose tissue, the adocytes, the adipose cells, get metabolized and excreted. It takes three months to see results.

(under construction...the rest of the notes are coming soon!)

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